An Open Letter to Udlændingservice

To Whom it May Concern at the Immigration Office:

That joke isn't funny anymore. It's the one where your complete incompetence causes huge problems in my life. Remember last year when I applied for a work permit in the beginning of September and never received a reply in the ten months I was here? That wasn't funny. But okay, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt about that one. I applied while I was in the country, which you don't like ("subject to five year waiting period"), and it was probably a job that a Danish person could have done. But still, it wasn't funny was to call every week and have the exact same conversation each time. Here's how it went:
Me: I'm calling to check on my work permit application. My case number is ###.
Worker: Alright... Wow, you've been waiting a long time. (They would actually say this to me.) Let me just check something... Okay, well you should hear something soon, and I'll put a note in your file.
(Repeat for 9 months)

But this time it's different. My math and education degree can be put to good use teaching. I applied from California. And seeing as many of the teachers at my potential school (a small sample size) are not qualified to be teachers or don't have a math degree, it doesn't seem like the area around Aalborg is exactly teeming with qualified math teachers. And from what I've heard Denmark is lacking math teachers as well. So why did you write in your letter that someone from Denmark or the E.U. could be doing this job? You're right, there is probably a guy in central Slovakia that could do the job, but the fact is, he's not here! And by the way, I'm a native English speaker, which is pretty useful when the language of instruction is English.

You also wrote in that letter that I didn't have enough hours per week. It's really considerate of you to worry about how I'll spend my free time, but I think I can pass those hours myself. That must be the only reason you are worried about hours. It can't be because I'm not making enough money, because I would earn same amount as the monthly government stipend given to students. If it's enough for a Danish student, why can't it be enough for me? And I also live in some of the least expensive housing in Aalborg, so don't worry about rent.

The comedians you hire to work the phones at the Udlændingservice also aren't funny anymore. If I call one week, they will tell me I am on the positive list; the next week, I'm not (a huge difference in determining minimum hours, wages, processing time, etc.). Does anybody really know? I definitely still don't. And take last week for example, when I called and you said my decision had been made two weeks prior (which wasn't mentioned in phone calls!). It turns out you mailed it to my address from last year. Ever think there was a reason my new application didn't list any Danish address? I moved to a different apartment! So I rushed off to the police station, where the comedian on the phone said there was another copy (because for some reason they didn't know the result). The police station told me they didn't have anything. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. So the policewoman called the Udlændingservice, and the conversation went like this:
Woman (on the phone still): They say they don't have a decision.
Me: Well I just spoke to someone 45 minutes ago and they said it was here.
Woman: Okay, wait... (Comes back in 5 minutes) What was the name of the person?
Me: They didn't say.
Woman: Was it a man or a woman?
Me: It was a woman.
Woman (five more minutes later): I guess it is here, but you have to wait while we look for it.

Another 10 minutes later someone surfaced with the letter.

I've dealt with bureaucracy in my time, and seen my fair share of incompetence, but I've never experienced both simultaneously on such a massive scale. Udlændingservice, please get it together. I'm qualified for the job, I'm not going to mooch off your social services, I'm not going to kill any cartoonists, and I promise I'll teach really really well so that if some day one of my students ends up working in the foreigner service office, they'll do a better job than the ones there now.

Sincerely,
Matt